Your Most Critical Emotional Skill

Here's an astonishing fact you may never have considered:

Your level of personal happiness throughout your life will depend upon your ability to completely forgive those who have hurt or offended you.

In point of fact, the emotional-spiritual skill of forgiveness is critical to becoming a resilient person, to acting effectively and to your physical and emotional health.  And it is indeed a skill that can be learned by anyone, though it may seem terribly difficult to do at times.

Here's a short video to help you get started:

Forgiveness and Your Personal Resilience

What exactly happens to us when we refuse to forgive others, when we hang on to old hurts and nurse them, thinking about the false sweetness of revenge?  Well, it looks like this:

• Dwelling on these negative emotions compromises your immune system in numerous ways and may eventually lead you to manifest serious physical symptoms
• You'll become increasingly vulnerable to negative emotions of all kinds and lose any possibility of inner, emotional freedom
• This will blunt your capacity to experience genuine love, since loving requires vulnerability and openness to the possibility of hurt - it's a risk
• You won't understand other people and see them as they really are, nor will you see reality as it really is.  Your perspectives will become increasingly egocentric and deluded. 

Bottom line?  If you want to pursue a life of joy, love, openness, freedom and retain your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health, you must learn to completely and unreservedly forgive everyone who has ever offended you.

... and yes, I realize that can be a pretty long list of people!

Overcoming the Obstacles to Forgiving

Of course, there may be some obstacles along the way...  You may feel you're unable to let go of your anger, your desire for revenge or justice.  All of that's to be expected.  So how do you get around it?  Here are several tools to help you get started...

1. First and foremost is that you'll never learn this critical skill unless you decide to.  Until you make the decision to forgive, absolutely nothing will change, so you need to start by convincing yourself that you need to do this.
   
   
2. One way to help get past the anger is to realize that people who have hurt you either did so unintentionally or intentionally.  If it was unintentional, as most hurts are, you can begin by imagining how the way they've been conditioned all their life led them to act in a way that was accidentally hurtful to you.  If they hurt you intentionally, again consider their prior conditioning, the strength of the delusion(s) controlling their behavior and realize they were not acting as truly free agents.  As Christ himself said as he was being crucified, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."  Likewise, consider that those who've hurt you intentionally are afflicted by the same insanity.
    
   
3. Then go on to think about how your real mission is not to hurt them back and perpetuate the cycle, but to act from a higher viewpoint and help them come to their senses.  Remember, all human beings act in ways they believe will bring them happiness.  It's just that they're often quite wrong!
   
   
4. Cultivating love and affection throughout your day will gradually teach you that the benefits of forgiveness vastly outweigh those of holding a grudge.
   
   
5. You can easily use the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) to manage the more acute feelings of anger that come up during the forgiveness process

A Common Misunderstanding on Forgiveness

In our conflict-averse culture, many people are so afraid of interpersonal tensions that they make forgiveness and reconciliation into a kind of panacea, if not a "false god".  


The fact is that in many conflicts there are real issues that must be dealt with.  Yes, you need to forgive the other party from the outset, but this does not mean the issues don't need to be dealt with openly and honestly.  Quite the opposite, if the real issues are papered over with pseudo-forgiveness and a group hug, then that unresolved conflict will come back to haunt all of you.

So in the forgiveness process, everyone has to face reality.
 

Still think you're have trouble forgiving your enemies?  Then start by remembering the old adage - "Forgive your enemies... it messes with their minds!"


NEXT TIME, I'll share with you perhaps the greatest example in the 20th century of how a simple act of loving forgiveness messed with the mind of an implacable enemy... and turned him into a friend.


~ Dr. Symeon Rodger

Five Keys to Building Your Emotional Intelligence - by Partho Choudhury

 

Emotional intelligence consists of four core abilities:

       Self-awareness – The ability to recognize your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behavior, know your strengths and weaknesses, and have self-confidence.

       Self-management – The ability to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage your emotions in healthy ways, take initiative, follow through on commitments, and adapt to changing circumstances.

       Social awareness – The ability to understand the emotions, needs, and concerns of other people, pick up on emotional cues, feel comfortable socially, and recognize the power dynamics in a group or organization.

       Relationship management – The ability to develop and maintain good relationships, communicate clearly, inspire and influence others, work well in a team, and manage conflict.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 1: Rapidly reduce stress

When we’re under high levels of stress, rational thinking and decision making go out the window. Runaway stress overwhelms the mind and body, getting in the way of our ability to accurately “read” a situation, hear what someone else is saying, be aware of our own feelings and needs, and communicate clearly.
The first key skill of emotional intelligence is the ability to quickly calm yourself down when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Being able to manage stress in the moment is the key to resilience. This emotional intelligence skill helps you stay balanced, focused, and in control–no matter what challenges you face.

Stress busting: functioning well in the heat of the moment

Develop your stress busting skills by working through the following three steps:

• Realize when you’re stressed – The first step to reducing stress is recognizing what stress feels like. Many of us spend so much time in an unbalanced state that we’ve forgotten what it feels like to be calm and relaxed.
• Identify your stress response – Everyone reacts differently to stress. Do you tend to space out and get depressed? Become angry and agitated? Freeze with anxiety? The best way to quickly calm yourself depends on your specific stress response.
• Discover the stress busting techniques that work for you – The best way to reduce stress quickly is through the senses: through sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 2: Connect to your emotions

The second key skill of emotional intelligence is having a moment-to-moment awareness of your emotions and how they influence your thoughts and actions. Emotional awareness is the key to understanding yourself and others.
Many people are disconnected from their emotions–especially strong core emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, and joy. But although we can distort, deny, or numb our feelings, we can’t eliminate them. They’re still there, whether we’re aware of them or not. Unfortunately, without emotional awareness, we are unable to fully understand our own motivations and needs, or to communicate effectively with others.

What kind of a relationship do you have with your emotions?

• Do you experience feelings that flow, encountering one emotion after another as your experiences change from moment to moment?
• Are your emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you experience in places like your stomach or chest?
• Do you experience discrete feelings and emotions, such as anger, sadness, fear, joy, each of which is evident in subtle facial expressions?
• Can you experience intense feelings that are strong enough to capture both your attention and that of others?
• Do you pay attention to your emotions? Do they factor into your decision making?

If any of these experiences are unfamiliar, your emotions may be turned down or turned off. In order to be emotionally healthy and emotionally intelligent, you must reconnect to your core emotions, accept them, and become comfortable with them.

Emotional intelligence skill (EQ) 3: Nonverbal communication

Being a good communicator requires more than just verbal skills. Oftentimes, what we say is less important than how we say it or the other nonverbal signals we send out. In order to hold the attention of others and build connection and trust, we need to be aware of and in control of our nonverbal cues. We also need to be able to accurately read and respond to the nonverbal cues that other people send us.
Nonverbal communication is the third skill of emotional intelligence. This wordless form of communication is emotionally driven. It asks the questions: “Are you listening?” and “Do you understand and care?” Answers to these questions are expressed in the way we listen, look, move, and react. Our nonverbal messages will produce a sense of interest, trust, excitement, and desire for connection–or they will generate fear, confusion, distrust, and disinterest.

Part of improving nonverbal communication involves paying attention to:

• Eye contact
• Facial expression
• Tone of voice

• Posture and gesture
• Touch
• Timing and pace

Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 4: Use humor and play to deal with challenges

Humor, laughter, and play are natural antidotes to life’s difficulties. They lighten our burdens and help us keep things in perspective. A good hearty laugh reduces stress, elevates mood, and brings our nervous system back into balance.
The ability to deal with challenges using humor and play is the fourth skill of emotional intelligence. Playful communication broadens our emotional intelligence and helps us:

• Take hardships in stride. By allowing us to view our frustrations and disappointments from new perspectives, laughter and play enable us to survive annoyances, hard times, and setbacks.  
• Smooth over differences. Using gentle humor often helps us say things that might be otherwise difficult to express without creating a flap.
• Simultaneously relax and energize ourselves. Playful communication relieves fatigue and relaxes our bodies, which allows us to recharge and accomplish more.
• Become more creative. When we loosen up, we free ourselves of rigid ways of thinking and being, allowing us to get creative and see things in new ways.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 5: Resolve conflict positively

Conflict and disagreements are inevitable in relationships. Two people can’t possibly have the same needs, opinions, and expectations at all times. However, that needn’t be a bad thing! Resolving conflict in healthy, constructive ways can strengthen trust between people. When conflict isn’t perceived as threatening or punishing, it fosters freedom, creativity, and safety in relationships.
The ability to manage conflicts in a positive, trust-building way is the fifth key skill of emotional intelligence. Successfully resolving differences is supported by the previous four skills of emotional intelligence. Once you know how to manage stress, stay emotionally present and aware, communicate nonverbally, and use humor and play, you’ll be better equipped to handle emotionally-charged situations and catch and defuse many issues before they escalate.

Tips for resolving conflict in a trust-building way:

• Stay focused in the present. When we are not holding on to old hurts and resentments, we can recognize the reality of a current situation and view it as a new opportunity for resolving old feelings about conflicts.
• Choose your arguments. Arguments take time and energy, especially if you want to resolve them in a positive way. Consider what is worth arguing about and what is not.
• Forgive. If you continue to be hurt or mistreated, protect yourself. But someone else’s hurtful behavior is in the past, remember that conflict resolution involves giving up the urge to punish.
• End conflicts that can't be resolved. It takes two people to keep an argument going. You can choose to disengage from a conflict, even if you still disagree.

 ~ Special Guest Post by Partho Choudhury